V^3 Review: Apple iPhone

Yes folks, I have an iPhone. It is brilliant in it's execution and a perfect example of the Apple philosophy... introduce "new" technologies, and force your user base to learn them, while excluding "unnecessary" features.

Generally when reviewing products, from waffle irons to driving irons, you tend to look at what the product has, but I find that I should spend equal time looking at what the iPhone doesn't have. Like video recording.

For a company so "in touch" with whats "hip" and "happening", for a company that knows to include an option to make the text "hip-hop" on all the menus and as an additional feature on the Safari browser, how could they not include video recording? How are you meant to film yourself if you're suddenly inspired to do a crip video, or CRUMP?

Where is the Youtube LOVE? Then again, I suppose they reason that you wouldn't want to put your iPhone on the dirty dirty floor to film your Adicolors / Superstars / Nike Cortez as you're walkin' it out.


Another notable exclusion is the lack of dials. I mean, every good invention needs a dial. And no laser support? How the heck am I going to continue my plans for world domination without lasers? I mean, isn't that Apple's company goal? World domination? Surely Steve Jobs is an expert at that, looking at the success of the iPod which is now synonymous for any mp3 player...

Moving on, the best feature of the iPhone I feel, is being able to hold it up high in the air like a beacon, attracting hot chicks and businessmen with suitcases of money. Because every real business-person has an iPhone. Much like the original poster for Star wars, it's as if the iPhone is the modern-day (or... current-day) equivalent of a lightsaber?

If Star Wars is set in "A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away...", why does all their stuff ROCK so much harder than ours? And why has Yoda, in his 900 years of existence and astounding wisdom never mastered basic English grammar? Why am I talking about Star Wars in an Apple oriented post? I think the answer is quite clear.

The whole Apple philosophy and image that they're promoting is that Apple are "rebels". "I'm a Mac, I'm a PC" is just another way of saying "I'm a Jedi, I'm an evil Sith Lord". It's like Bill Gates is the evil yet nerdy Darth Vader, building up a Death-Star XP Vista and enslaving all the universe to following his evil Sith ways, in the Dark Side of the Force that is modern computing. And when the future seemed the dimmest... *cough* Windows 2000 *cough*, "A New Hope" came in the form of.. Steve Jobs and his candy-coloured Apple iBooks. And fashionable computing.

Fast-forward 7-8 years down the track and the Apple brand is synonymous with cool, hip, happening, silhouetted dancing and annoying fanboys. Yes, I'm a Mac user and have to admit that the MacEvangelism is a very annoying marketting tool. I'll end with this, get a Mac. It looks cool. Chicks dig it. And if you're a chick, dudes dig it. Having a white (or silver shiny) laptop totally shows your creativity and "zest for life".

After-note: For those of you playing along at home, I don't have an iPhone... and I am rather bored today. And yes, the Photoshop is meant to look absurdly fake. (But only because I'm crap at Photoshop)